Friday July 29, 2016
Hello, and welcome to another wet and wild weekend edition of Naked News! We've got a lot of great show lined up, including Kat's preview of Jason Bourne!
But first, we've got Whitney and her Peanut Gallery riffing on the funniest clips from the world of television in this week's Boob-Tube!
Thanks, ladies! But first things first. Everyone at home, grab your epi-pens...because it's time to bring out the Peanut Gallery! Personally, I'm not allergic to peanuts... except that one! Let's get started!
Normally, if an act can play at a child's birthday party, I'm not interested. And that certainly applies to magic! But I will concede that Kyle Eschen's act as performed on Penn & Teller: Fool Us is definitely made for adults. Not because it's in any way racy. But just because it's so weird! Penn and Teller were blown away, though more by his showmanship than his magic. I know I should be impressed, but honestly, with that creepy vibe, I think he's the kind of magician who might make my clothes magically REappear! Aww, thanks, peanuts!
There are definitely two schools of thought on Celine Dion. I'm from the one that thinks “My Heart Will Go On” is just her snotty way of saying she'll never die! But Celine Dion justified her continued existence with an appearance on The Tonight Show, where she proved herself to be a really awesome impressionist! All right, I'll concede she's talented. But I've got to ask: If she can be any singer she wants, and she's already got all the money in the world, why is she still Celine Dion? I hope you liked that joke, because it probably cost me my passport!
Conan O'Brien was once head writer on The Simpsons, so it's not like he needs to do anything more in this lifetime to make nerds love him! But that didn't stop him from taking his show to Comic-Con for the second year in a row. AND he made this Game of Thrones tribute that we loved but also made us very glad for pixellation! I'd like to think this was a joke, but I'm pretty sure this is just how redheads work. I mean, Anne of Green Gables is over a hundred years old! Think about it! Yep, that's what thinking about it sounds like.
Finally, it happens to us during Naked in the Streets all the time! One of us'll be interviewing some guy, and we'll realize he's Mr. Right. Now. Mr. Right Now! But I like to think when that happens, we handle it a little more smoothly than reporter Wendy Burch of KTLA did! Shame. She'd be much faster if she was naked. And, let's face it, he'd probably be running slower! Though somehow, the good ones always get away. That's why I set traps! What? It's no different than fishing! I even throw back the small ones!
Well, since my Peanut Gallery is starting to sound a little SHELL-shocked, I think I'll end it there. I'm Whitney St. John, and this has been Boob-Tube!
I'm Natasha Olenski. There's a lot at stake in the upcoming presidential election, but no one is watching more closely than Teresa Barnwell. That's because the former advertising sales rep is the world's foremost Hillary Clinton impersonator! It's been her full-time job for over two decades going back to when Hillary was First Lady! The lookalike makes thousands a month, has appeared over 30 times on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, and has gotten to meet Colin Powell, Julian Assange, and even Clinton herself! Sounds like fun, but I sure hope she likes pantsuits!
Bosnian Playboy playmate Slobodonka Tosic is going to spend 2 and a half years in jail. Don't let her looks deceive you, this eastern European beauty was convicted of attempted murder! She apparently lured a mobster to an ambush, where a rival gang tried but FAILED to kill him! An undercover operation dubbed “Operation Doll” connected Tosic and the gang leader, who, it turns out was her lover.
And Yu Jianchun just might be China's real-life Good Will Hunting! The delivery company employee with no college degree has found a solution to a complex math problem.
His solution amazed academics, even more so because he has never received any systematic training in number theory or taken advanced math classes. Beyond math skills, he should be celebrated for his persistence. He spent EIGHT YEARS writing letters to Chinese mathematicians before his genius was recognized! I'm NO, now I'll send you back to EIla and Elise.
Thanks, Natasha! We'll have more headlines later in the show, but first, we've got Kat going Naked at the Movies.
She's previewing Jason Bourne, starring the delectable Matt Damon! Eila, do you have a favorite Matt Damon role? I know I don't want to wait any longer, so take it away, Kat!
Matt Damon is BOURNE again in the simply titled Jason Bourne. It's Damon's fourth time as the former CIA operative, and he is still raging at the government that created him. Of course, the franchise has changed with the times, with this latest installment drawing Bourne into the somewhat unfamiliar world of cybersecurity.
That's Alicia Vikander alongside Tommy Lee Jones, and yes, that means the Bourne franchise has added TWO Oscar winners to the cast! Vikander is particularly hot right now, fresh off her Best Supporting Actress win for The Danish Girl, plus all the acclaim for Ex Machina! The Swedish actress explained what drew her to the world of Bourne.
It's true. Director Paul Greengrass also did The Bourne Supremacy and The Bourne Ultimatum, and got an Oscar nomination for United 93. But he started in documentaries, and it definitely shows in his use of camera movement! You rarely get a static frame, and it absolutely sucks you into the action!
In that clip, we see Bourne rescuing Julia Stiles' character Nicky Parsons. The plot of this movie in a nutshell is Nicky stole some files including info on Bourne, Vikander's character Heather Lee discovers the leak, and CIA Director Robert Dewey, played by Tommy Lee Jones, is not happy about it! But of course, all you really need to know is once again, Jason Bourne is taking on a virtual army!
Vincent Cassel plays “The Asset”, a government operative so bad-ass he doesn't even need a name! While part of the fun of Bourne is seeing him rip through gangs of adversaries like toilet paper, it's always the one-on-one movie battles that stick with you! Now, we don't want to spoil their big fight, but a trusted source, Matt Damon himself, assures us that it's appropriately epic.
And if that doesn't have you psyched, maybe it'll help to know that Cassel is apparently a skilled practitioner of the Brazilian martial art of capoeira! That said, I'd say the smart money is still on Bourne! Jason Bourne is in theaters now. For Naked at the Movies, I'm Katherine Curtis.
Carli Bei goes Naked In The Street to play a guessing game with people.
Thanks Carli,, that looked like a lot of fun! What other sorts of quick games are easy to play with other people?
Okay, Natasha is back in our Naked Newsroom and she's standing by with a new tactic Australia is using to help people quit smoking.
Ladies, the world's UGLIEST color is being used to fight the world's NASTIEST habit! Australian market research company GfK spoke to over a thousand smokers to determine the most unappealing color and then slapped it on cigarette packets! The winner-slash-loser was Pantone 448 C, a brown-green mix known as “opaque couche”! Of course, Pantone stood up for its maligned color, saying it was popular for sofas and shoes! Which I guess is true for people who don't mind their sofas and shoes looking like DEATH!!
In other ugly news, there's a new World's Ugliest DOG! Meet Sweepee Rambo, a Chihuahua and Chinese Crested mix, who took home the top prize at the recent Petaluma, California competition. Sweepee had several factors working in her favor: she's 17 years old, blind in both eyes, and her severely arthritic legs are now permanently splayed! Owner Jason Wurtz got the dog as a gift for his ex-wife, but he ended up with her after the split. Goes to show she doesn't even have a face a mother could love!
And if you're looking to wipe that ugly from your eyes, we've got just the site for you! Besides Naked News, of course! Explore.org sets up live nature cameras all over the world, and there's an INCREDIBLE one running right now at Katmai National Park in Alaska! The Brooks River is part of the largest sockeye salmon run in the world, making it a virtual smorgasbord for brown bears! At any given moment, you might catch a bear or two chowing down, so when you're done looking at our BARE bodies, make sure to check out theirs! Those are the headlines, for Naked News, I'm Natasha Olenski.
This is Hollywood XPosed, brought to you alongside our good friends at Mr. Skin! Let's get naked!
As we mentioned earlier, Jason Bourne is back kicking butt in theaters. The new flick sees Matt Damon joined on-screen by the gorgeous Alicia Vikander as a brilliant CIA hacker. It makes sense that she'd know a thing or two about computers, considering her SEXIEST role ever came in the sci-fi thriller Ex Machina. Alicia played the world's hottest android, and she was programmed to seduce! The full-frontal scene where she checks herself out in the mirror will have you doing a mental control-alt-delete. Y'know, 'cause her beauty does. Not. Compute.
Over on the boob tube, we can't get enough of the new Cinemax series Outcast. It's a creepy supernatural thriller that'll scare your pants off! Especially when some dude cops a feel of Kate Lyn Sheil. In this week's episode she strips down to show off her devilish pair of sweater monsters. This show is quickly becoming one of cable's very best. Trust me fellas, Outcast will have you casting out more than just demons!
Now time to check out the very BREAST new Blu Ray releases! First up is the Killer Thrillers Collection, which boasts THREE skintastic classics from the 70's: Baby Yaga, Night Train Murders, and our personal favorite: Strip Nude For Your Killer. It features Italian beauty Femi Benussi getting naked and showing off her mortadella for a pervy photographer. You really can't go wrong with any of these three flicks, because they all feature plenty of the killer B's: breasts, bush, and butt!
Alexandra Delli Colli is another spicy meat-a-ball you'll get to know better in the 1980's b-movie "Zombie Holocaust"! We get to see every inch of the blonde Italian temptress as she undresses for a shower. But the real treat comes later during a creepy ritual scene. Alexandra's naked body is painted before she's laid out spread eagle on an altar, and it'll leave you believing in a higher power!
Now it's time for even MORE celebrity skin in Hollywood XPress! Over on EgotasticAllstars.com, Brit bombshell Emma Glover proves she's a real handful in these snaps. We love tea time, but tee-tee time is even better!
Even if you can't stand Rihanna's music, you should still get tickets for her upcoming tour, because the Bajan beauty's butt naked in her tour merch! Bitch better TAKE my money!
We totally HEART statuesque German model Micaela Schafer. Her lady lumps are the definition of love at first sight!
And Sandra Kubicka is showing off her sweet teets in Treats Magazine. There must have been a swimsuit sale, 'cause all of her bikinis are half off! With your weekly celebration of celebrity skin, I'm Angie Heyward!
A big thanks to Angie Heyward for all the sexy! And that wraps up this edition of Naked News.
We'll see you NEXT for Naked News Magazine this weekend. I'm back at Hedonism with Carli for Flex Appeal
And you'll see MY moves when I teach Angie and Madison how to Irish dance, in Naked News Moves.
Definitely looking forward to seeing it. email@example.com is where you can send in any questions or comments you might have for us.
And social media is the place to stay up to date with all things Naked News. We're on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.
Take care, see you next time!
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